Karaoke Forums

Hi! Just wrote this for fun for my karaoke pals. Enjoy!

The Karaoke Menagerie

The Tortoise: Takes as long as possible to arrive at the stage, the better to build anticipation for its glorious performance.

The Hare: Keeps careful track of the rotation and appears onstage, as if by magic, before the KJ has even called its name.

The Red-Tailed Smoke-Hawk: Commonly found on the patio, hawking up its lungs. Only comes inside to sing, and even then requires a formal invitation from a fellow patron (or "fetcher").

The Toadie: Takes any and all opportunities to ask for a round of applause for the KJ, and occasionally carries the tip jar around seeking extra donations. Identifiable by its extremely brown nose. Strangely, this creature is never an actual friend of the KJ.

The Barnacle: Repeats the chorus while the outro plays, then repeats it again after the song ends. Then dedicates the song to the original singer, his dying grandma, and the drunk chick at the end of the bar. Then decides to tell a joke. Anything to hang on to that precious microphone.

The Bull Moose: Believes that the only good singing is loud singing. Has a mic technique resembling fellatio. Can also be found singing in the audience, where it is fully capable of drowning out whoever's on stage.

The Lemming: The least talented singer in the bar, this creature nonetheless insists on singing the most difficult songs. These leaps off the cliff, alas, are never fatal.

The Peacock: Entirely focused on the mating ritual, this high-voiced male sings nothing but sexy, get-in-your-pants tunes from the Motown era: Luther Vandross, Marvin Gaye and endless repetitions of "Unchained Melody." Also look for a lower-voiced sub-species, the Barry White Pheasant. Both variations are identifiable by surrounding flocks of females, who totally fall for it.

The Gnat: Constantly hovers at the KJ station, asking how long it'll be before its turn to sing.

The Bat: Equipped with highly sensitive ears, this creature precedes its turn by requesting several minute adjustments to the sound. When it's finally ready to sing, it produces a barely audible squeak.

The Mockingbird: Likes to change its song every three minutes. But for the title of a classic novel, would have been killed a long time ago.

The Crab: Fond of complaining about other singers, even though its own talents lie barely above sea level.

The Chimpanzee: Attempts to hide an utter lack of talent through constant gesticulation. Occasionally throws feces on unappreciative audiences.

The Butterfly: Constantly works the room in an attempt to lobby support for its upcoming performance. (See politician.)

The Snail: Carries all of its CDGs on its back. Would never use one of the KJ's discs!

The Vulture: Waits until a fellow singer heads for the stage, and then moves in on his woman.

Homing Pigeon: Comes back to the same three songs again and again and again.

The Remora: This parasitic sea creature likes to latch on to other singers in order to get more stage time. Arrives with a group of friends, sings "backup" for all of them, and then completely drowns them out. Closely related to...

The Praying Mantis: A female who asks a male to sing a duet with her, and then insists they do it on his turn.

The Snake: This scaly creature tries to buy his way up in the rotation by offering exorbitant tips to the KJ.

The Sheep: Never sings a song until it's been sung by a dozen others.

The Canary: Sings from the moment it enters the bar until closing time: sings along with the singer, between songs, in the restroom. Either believes that life is an opera, where no dialogue is necessary, or is on meth.

The Donkey: The braying speech of this creature can cut through anything being produced onstage. Closely related to...

The Hen: Comes to a karaoke bar to ignore all the singers and talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.

Tyrannosaurus rex: Once thought to be extinct, this thunder-voiced creature is hampered by extremely short arms, which prohibits it from clapping for other singers.

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See/hear the serial version of Michael's karaoke novel, "Outro," at outronovel.blogspot.com

[schild=1 fontcolor=FF7F50 shadowcolor=C0C0C0 shieldshadow=1]Guilty of bein' a Mockingbird[/schild]

haha, those are funny. You should post them in front of your books and see how much name calling you get in the room. (or better yet, post it in back of the book.. and since not everyone will find it, those who do can have a secret joke name calling those who will be outside the joke, wondering what the names mean) Yeah, I'd like to be there to see that;)

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♥ Laugh your heart out, dance in the rain. Cherish the memories, ignore the pain. Love and learn, forget and forgive. Because you only have one life to live. ♥

Yeah. Very funny !

and very true to life

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[font=Fantasy][/font] "Travellin' at the speed of light"

Dude, I woke up tired and irritable this morning until I read your post; that is some funny stuff! I wonder how many folks here would be willing to put themselves into any of those categories!

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Man Must Know His Limitations -Clint Eastwood

I looked at how long this post was and almost just hit the "Back" Button
Thought Id give the first few lines a chance and Im glad I did.

EXCELENT POST!!!!!!!!

OH MY GAWD ....Your list is too funny


I have met too many of these denizens of the habitat - Karaokius Barius

I thnk I resemble a couple of these creatures so I guess I am part Hare and part Snail . That would make me a Snare or a Hail (to the chief). I take all my own discs to shows and keep track of the rotation...maybe a little TRex - big voice but I do applaude every singer good or bad .

I can think of a few more creatures of the night...but that will be another post.

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Terryoke
Krazy Kanuck Karaokeist

Karaoke is the only social disease that you can get in public and not get arrested.

Thanks! Glad you liked them. A fellow singer said I should write something funny about the different types of singers, and the animal thing seemed a natural.

I'm going to pass them around the bar tonight and hope I don't get killed. Thing is, though, people develop their particular quirks largely because they don't realize they're doing it - so I doubt if people will see themselves in the descriptions. I'm sure they'll see all their fellow singers there, though!

I'm so acutely aware of social courtesies that I hope I don't fall into one of these categories, but I know I've been accused of the remora, so I'll 'fess up to that.

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See/hear the serial version of Michael's karaoke novel, "Outro," at outronovel.blogspot.com

You are just going to have to add one for me... I'll call it the old cowboy.

An old gray haired man walks in introduces himself as another host then turns in a slip.
When called he picks up the mic and with a few words everybody knows that he is no stranger to entertainment and probably can sing. He sings something and the energy of the bar picks up and even the non listeners are paying attention. He finishes and expects no applause for he knows if he got to the crowd from years of experience.


After that he is sitting at the bar and flirting with the girls and socializing. If you can get him back on the mic he willl sing again and give it his all. He does not care if he sings every rotation and is too busy trying to get laid. Where is your show?

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where I first started out, we had a pet name for a multitude of those people under one visage: a karaoke slug. They slide up to the kj to pester them with whiny questions, they eooze up to their table to take up space that nobody else wants to join them, and they're the first person to shout out "Hey, that's MY SONG!!".

We always accentuated this appraisal of their stellar character by putting the ol rabbit ears behind our head with two tv style fingers waving as the Karaoke Slug antenna went into overdrive! !

Why you have been hanging out at one of my venues. I can put a face to each one of those descriptions and not use the same person twice. Scary aint it!

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No venue to big or too small. From your den to the local club or event, we have the music most requested. Great sounding system!

That's just the singer half of the Menagerie! Half of the animals are missing! Here is the other half....

The Snowbird: This KJ is at one bar 6 months. Then he mysteriously disappears one day and the show is rumored to have migrated south to the other end of town. Come Summer, the show may very well head back North again. Some say it is seasonal.

The Big Brown Bear: This KJ will start up a song and queue in 4 tracks of filler music after the song. Then the KJ plops down at the bar and goes into deep hibernation mode. It is dangerous to prod the sleeping bear, so most singers just tap their toes softly to the music.

The Cheetah: This KJ can get a 30 singer rotation done in an hour plus notify everyone of the nightly bar specials and where the local speed traps are. At closing time you hear the squeal of tires, and the sleepy bar patrons blink an eye and say, "What the--? Who was that masked man!?"

The Sloth: This KJ is able to keep things humming with a minimal amount of effort. The whole show is run from a chair, effortlessly, smoothly, with hardly a blink of the eye. Just the thumb, index finger, and slight movement of the arm and a grin.

The Owl: This KJ is always asking questions like "WHO put in American Pie?" "Who's name is on this slip?" "Who is Allison?" "Who's on first?" Rotation to them refers to what the cdg does in the player.

The Elephant: This KJ has an incredible memory--knows the best version of every song, and has a huge trunk of cd's. Usually a seasoned veteran, they have a very thick hide, can withstand callous remarks, drunken jeers and barbs, and cannot be deviated from their set path.

The Busy Bee: This KJ is constantly tweaking knobs and dials, hovering over the equipment, but the song would have sounded the same had the flight plan been more direct. And what's more, the songbooks are all sticky with honey! Like gag me with a spoon! Grodie to the max!

The Butterfly: This KJ puts on a song on, then flits around the bar, managing to talk with each person in the bar and even the smokers outside, and a few strangers on the sidewalk before the song is over. If they like the song, they will fly back to the mic right as it finishes. If they hate the song, they might extend their flitting around for another 30 seconds....

The Camel: This KJ never orders an alcoholic drink, soda, or water. Somehow they seem to be able to rely on the vast reserves of what they drank the previous night to get them across this vast karaoke desert. And their voice sounds great. But they don't even drink!

The Parrot: You say, "I'd like to sing Picture." The KJ says, "Picture?!?!?!" "You want to sing Picture? Picture? Like with a frame?" You say, "Yeah, what I said! "P-I-C-T-U-R-E!"

The Chameleon: This KJ can sing country with a twang, R&B with soul, Gospel with fervor, and headbanging metal. Whatever the situation calls for, that color they can assume.

The Frog: Once the song is started, this KJ hops right back to the well.

The Rooster: You hear more from this KJ than from all other singers combined. At 3:00 in the morning, they are still crowing. You are wide awake and furious, and haven't even had a chance to open your beak yet!

Fantastic, SD! I knew there was a KJ side to this.

I've received contributions from my KJ and fellow singers, too. And I keep asking them, What is this, an anthology?

One of them I really like, though. A Hermit Crab is a singer who submits songs written on song slips from other karaoke bars.

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See/hear the serial version of Michael's karaoke novel, "Outro," at outronovel.blogspot.com

Hillarious!

I'm gonna mention this to my KJ friend in Wilmington, NC.

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"Anything worth doing, is worth OVERDOING"... - Steven Tyler of Aerosmith

My KJ wanted me to delete the mention of "Unchained Melody" in the peacock category, because our best singer does it all the time. I said, Hey, peacock is not necessarily an insult. Flashy feathers, strong voice, gets all the hens...

Besides, how could you leave that song out of that particular definition? That would be like leaving "Crazy" out of the heartbroken female category.

Speaking of... what would be a good animal for someone who sings weepy songs all the time?

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See/hear the serial version of Michael's karaoke novel, "Outro," at outronovel.blogspot.com

Crocodiles are known for their tears, and Basset Hounds have a mournful look, but I don't know if either is the right one to fill the shoes for that job.

By the way, I've been preyed on by the praying mantis!

Say, I'm thinking basset hound might do it!

We've also talked about a sub-species of the remora: the Pack of Wolves, in which a singing-hungry client arrives with a half-dozen friends, signs them all up for songs, and then joins each and every one of them onstage so she can "halp them out" (translation: drown them out).

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See/hear the serial version of Michael's karaoke novel, "Outro," at outronovel.blogspot.com

Most of us don't fall for that one -- you get to be on stage once a rotation. Your choice if it is alone or in a group....

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[color=#ffff55]Mickey J.[/color]
Alas for those who never sing, but die with all their music in them.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

It's getting really tricky, because the lead wolf has trained her minions to at least appear to be singing.

This won't surprise you, but the lead wolf is really not the best of singers. Seems like the good singers tend to behave themselves better. This one's more of a spotlight-whore.

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See/hear the serial version of Michael's karaoke novel, "Outro," at outronovel.blogspot.com

I had so many more come to mind after reading this. I have also come to realize my bar is a zoo of animals.

Walking stick - tries to camouflage himself as a different singer by handing in slips with different names to try and sing more than once in a rotation.

Stink Bug - A singer who has a horrible smell that repells others away.

Flea - The singer who tries to get an extra turn by riding on the back of a duet of another's turn.

Hyena - No matter who is singing or how loud the music you can hear their cackle in the audience.

Koala - The person who finds the need to hug everyone before they come onto the stage.

Jackle - The annoying singer who finds the need to get attention anyway they can even when they aren't singing.

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I just wanted to thank you for the laugh this is brilliant!