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Know Any Good Jokes??
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Author:  monalisa70 [ Mon Mar 10, 2008 12:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Know Any Good Jokes??
Hi All

I've got quite a funny sense of humour, and in work - as well as being professional, I share an office with 9 project managers.  I'm the only female in there ... so I get to hear all manner of things.  However, I am trailing a little on the jokes front, so if anyone has any good ones, please let me know and I'll be more than happy to share with the guys.  Thanks for being such good sports.  

Here's a really lame one just to start us off...

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it`s about time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I`m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "oh, sh1t! mum, I guess I`ll have some Coco Pops"
The mother turned in surprise, WHACK!!
The eldest boy flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"
"I don`t know, " he blubbers, "but you can bet your f*&^%in` a$$ it won`t be Coco Pops!!!"
Author:  karyoker [ Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
A boy and girl got off the school bus. He told her "When I start liking girls you are gonna be the first one I like".
Author:  monalisa70 [ Tue Mar 11, 2008 10:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
A bear and a rabbit walking through the forest. The bear turns to the rabbit and enquires, "Does sh*t stick to your fur?"
The rabbit looks up smiling, "no," he replies.
The bear picks up a stunned rabbit, "good," he says as he wipes his arse. (hehe)
Author:  TomTom [ Tue Mar 11, 2008 10:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
Do you how a blonde knows it's time to go home ??

The dome (interior) light comes on in the car...

Don't b-tch, I'm a blonde...or at least I was at one time LMAO
Author:  TomTom [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 6:21 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
ok.. If Youu don't think your dog is man's best friend try this..
Lock your dog and your wife (girl) in the trunk of your car for an hour..

When you open the trunk, see who is really "Happy" to see you......
Author:  monalisa70 [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 6:30 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
AND HERE'S A LITTLE FOR YOU POETRY LOVERS... I INTRODUCE THE "MORNING POEM"

I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles began to slip away.
He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun
It seemed his very trilling brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers, crept slowly out of bed
And gently shut the window and crushed his blinkin' head.
I'm not a morning person!
Author:  TomTom [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
OHMY... you are a tuff lil bird aren't you  LMAO  LMAO  LMAO
Lise, this is really cute... LOVED IT
Tom
Author:  karyoker [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:34 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
Two birds were sittin on a telephone wire. One looked at the other and said" Didja ever notice how certain peoples voices make you feet feel funny?".
Author:  monalisa70 [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
The old 'uns are the best ...  (excuse the language please, but it was necessary!!)

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin` to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They`re called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They`re for resting my balls on when I`m driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW think of everything!"
Author:  karyoker [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
Didja hear about the poor bloke that broke his leg at the golf course when he was trying to use the ball washer?
Author:  karyoker [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 11:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
Two strangers were paired up at a busy course. One said I wager about the outcome. The other one said OK but this is for $100 and I do get  get 3 gotchas. Not knowing what he meant he said OK..

On the second teeoff he sneaked up behind the guy and right in the middle of the swing reached up between his legs and grabbed his balls and screamed GOTCHA!!!
Author:  Randy J [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 11:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
What do you have when you have 6 lawyers buried up to their head in sand?
Not enough sand.


So, are you a lawyer? Yes
How much do you charge? $100 for 4 questions
Isn't that a lot? Yes. What's your 4th question?


How many lawers does it take to shingle a roof?
It depends how you slice them.
Author:  karyoker [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 11:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.
Author:  monalisa70 [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 1:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
State Trooper    

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband. When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.”
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, “Ma'am I see you're from Florida.”
The old lady comments, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man speaks up as he says, “HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'” The old lady nods her head, “Yup.”
The trooper mutters, “Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of (@$%&#!) I ever had in Florida.”
The old lady replies, “Heh, what did he say?”
The old man yells, “HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!”
Author:  Murray C [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
Two five year old kids were sitting on the lounge floor.
"I have two goldfish" says the boy.

"I have 5 goldfish", says the girl

"I have a puppy", replies the boy.

"I have one too", answers the girl. "And I have a cat".

"We have a campervan that we stay at the beach in", the little boy pouts to the girl.

"That's cool", says the girl.  "We have a RV."

"My Mum has a Mercedes convertible" says the boy.

"We have two Mercedes in the garage", retorts the girl.

"My dad just bought a 22 ft powerboat " boasts the little boy.

"So... my dad has a 50 ft cruiser down at the marina", the girl replies.

Frustrated, the boy suddenly stands up, drops his pants and announces "I have one of these"

The little girl immediately stands up, drops her pants, lifts her dress and says "Yes, but with one of these I can get as many of those as I want!"
Author:  jdmeister [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 3:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
Murrlyn @ Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:03 pm wrote:
Two five year old kids were sitting on the lounge floor.
"I have two goldfish" says the boy.

"I have 5 goldfish", says the girl

"I have a puppy", replies the boy.

"I have one too", answers the girl. "And I have a cat".

"We have a campervan that we stay at the beach in", the little boy pouts to the girl.

"That's cool", says the girl.  "We have a RV."

"My Mum has a Mercedes convertible" says the boy.

"We have two Mercedes in the garage", retorts the girl.

"My dad just bought a 22 ft powerboat " boasts the little boy.

"So... my dad has a 50 ft cruiser down at the marina", the girl replies.

Frustrated, the boy suddenly stands up, drops his pants and announces "I have one of these"

The little girl immediately stands up, drops her pants, lifts her dress and says "Yes, but with one of these I can get as many of those as I want!"


Kids say the darndest things..  LMAO
Author:  monalisa70 [ Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
Three men standing in front of God    

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can''''t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You''''re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"
Author:  neonmoon [ Thu Mar 13, 2008 6:36 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trenchcoat came up and revealed himself, the first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke , but the third old lady her arms were too short to reach!!
Author:  TomTom [ Thu Mar 13, 2008 6:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
A man was sitting at the bar, when this great looking blonde came a set beside him, there was a story on the news about a man who had jumped off a fifty story building to his death.. The blonde gasp, and said she just couldn't belive it... Taken back a little, the man asked her, "what is it you don't belive??" She looked him straight in the eye, and said.. I saw this on the morning news, but never thought he would do it TWICE......
Author:  TomTom [ Thu Mar 13, 2008 6:55 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Know Any Good Jokes??
A man was sitting at the bar, when this great looking blonde came a set beside him, there was a story on the news about a man who had jumped off a fifty story building to his death.. The blonde gasp, and said she just couldn't belive it... Taken back a little, the man asked her, "what is it you don't belive??" She looked him straight in the eye, and said.. I saw this on the morning news, but never thought he would do it TWICE.... LMAO   ..
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