Karaoke Forums

Smoothedge69 posted in another thread "anyway, I was running show, and one of my regular, female, singers, comes up to me, and plants one on my lips, out of nowhere."

Although the above interaction was well received. I have been in the same situation where it wasn't... So my question is what would you/do you do about unwanted attention.

This is a regular issue for me at my show... For example, In the last five gigs - I had a singer with eight high spending mates all making suggestive comments whilst he refused to give me his name (he wanted to go by 'room 74').

My arse was slapped and the same customers breathed in my ear when he should have been singing.

And I've had four different arms dropped over me in a half hug despite my body language clearly stating I am not a huggy person.


So how would you go about setting clear physical and sexual boundaries between you and a customer.

_________________
'A genius is one who can do anything except make a living'. Joey Adams.

I am being serious here, I think a swift raise of your knee might solve the problem AND send a message!

_________________
Music speaks to the heart in ways words cannot express.

There are worldly cocktail waitresses out there who can deflect unwanted attention with such humor that the man thinks he just got complimented rather than shut down. But that is a talent I have admired from afar while not being able to master.

It tends to be a bit of a button pusher for me because I am old enough to have worked when males could do whatever they wanted and if you objected you "just didn't know how to take it" or were labelled a cold fish. And just a few years ago I actually had one older owner demand kisses (I walked away) and then put his hands on me while I was hanging lights and couldn't elbow him. The rejections fuelled the fire that ended up in me being fired mid show while he made comments about my lack of desirability to the crowd while I was packing up.

Another time a regular of several years followed me out while I was loading the gear after the show and started making suggestive comments while trying to hug me (with his wife inside the bar). I tried to push past him back into the bar and he tried to hold the door shut but I made it through. At first I thought he was just overly drunk but told the bar staff about it and the next few weeks they made sure to have someone keep the door open and keep an eye on me. He tried it again and after being rebuffed he switched to the competition and gave the host inside info on me and started all sorts of lies going around about me and everyone who worked at the bar. In that case he was a real sicko and nothing would have worked on him.

At my age I thought I was "out of the running" but dim lights and alcohol sometimes overcome perceptions ("The Girls All Get Prettier At Closing Time"). So I tend to dress nicely but not real sexually and I'm friendly but obvious about being there to run a show. A "half hug" from someone who is there every week tends to be just one of those "karaoke family" type things but if someone is going overboard then I alert the bar staff. They are the ones who are authorized to keep order and know how to handle the regulars usually. I have had regulars want to protect me which is admirable but I really prefer the bar staff do it as they are more into defusing than escalating.

If someone kept making remarks and not stopping my usual reaction would be to play along and turn it back on him-- I'd make his next song "I Touch Myself" or announce him in some funny way....I've got some props including a foam female torso that I've put on trouble makers. Or I tell him that he can be civil or not sing....if mild methods don't work then I tell the bar staff I have someone disrupting the show and then I go on with the show and let them deal with it. There just isn't time to run a show and fight off people at the same time. And I really don't need a patron to hit someone on my behalf and start a brawl.

Oh--and if the weather is permitting I have my dogs waiting in the car. The drive home at 4 am is actually more worrisome than being at the bar.

It might... But we are on stage at work (even if it's out in the audience). I'm also not physically confrontational so even if it was an acceptable response, I wouldn't be able to do.

Don't forget as well that a lot of the unwanted interactions are subtle - an arm draped over me - doesn't warrent a kick. It just makes me uncomfortable.

_________________
'A genius is one who can do anything except make a living'. Joey Adams.

Leopard lizard. What a detailed response! It appears many of these issues are universal.

My friend also has similar experiences although fortunately for us (and we are yet to test this) I think the bar would be on our side push come to shove. This is probably because we both work in regular venues and would have customers/friends that would step to our defence in an extreme case.

I'm sorry to hear you were fired from a gig for this. It clearly wasn't your fault and it's a shame the gentleman (cough) wasn't reprimanded by his peers for his behaviour.

_________________
'A genius is one who can do anything except make a living'. Joey Adams.

+1. I think what everyone is saying is that you really can't reasonably expect it to just stop. When we all make the choice to work a job at an establishment that is open late night and serves alcohol, you have to know there are certain undesirable elements that come along with that choice.

You really need to learn to handle it, not expect it to stop. I sometimes describe my job as about 25% babysitting, but it comes with the business.

Are you married, or if single, do you wear rings? It could be as simple as flashing a wedding ring (or any ring on your left ring finger). That's like kryptonite to about 90% of men, even when drunk. Granted, there are some that won't care, but at least you can deflect a big chunck. From there, like the last poster said, confident sarcasm will deflect a drunk.

Sorry if it sounds unreasonable, but handling drunks is part of the business in my estimation!

_________________
C Mc
KJ, FL

Sorry, but bar or no bar... no one should have to tolerate that crap.

Here's what I would say when it happens:

"Sorry but I don't appreciate your behavior towards me and I'm asking you very nicely to please stop".

If he doesn't:

"I'm only going to say this one more time; if you don't stop, I will alert the bar staff and you will no longer be able to sing".

And if it continues or you feel threatened:

Call the police. Sexual harassment is against the law in most states.

No... you DON'T have to learn to handle it nor should you have to. The establishment should provide a safe working environment for their employees. Let them do that.

Be strong and don't let anyone get over on you. And carry some pepper spray and a whistle with you, just in case.

Just because we work in a bar doesn't mean we have to put up with a drunks bullsh*t.

TopherM: Your response is so sexist and out of line. I can't believe that's your attitude.

Marble, I am a male and believe me not all males are like that.

_________________
Electro-Voice Evolve 50... Taking Sound To The Next Level.

I didn't say "tolerate," I said "handle," and I'd call many of the suggestions you are giving above as good examples of how to handle it!



Again, I didn't say "put up with it," I said HANDLE IT! And YES. Because you work in a bar, you have to learn how to handle drunks. It's part of the job.

What I said had nothing to do with sex, so excuse me if it sounded sexist, it was not intended to be.

My point was that when you work in a bar, you should expect to deal with drunks.
When you work in a auto dealership, you should expect to deal with cars.
When you work in a zoo, you should expect to deal with animals.

Drunks today act pretty much just like drunks from 200 years ago. If you are going to choose to work in that environment, there are some hazards that come along with it. Learn how to react and best handle the hazards, not expect the hazards to disappear.

_________________
C Mc
KJ, FL

I wish I had a great answer for you. The unfortunate reality is that this is more of a problem for women than it is men. I am more worried about the drunk boyfriend getting confrontational because he saw his girlfriend talking to me than I am about feeling accosted by an overly friendly patron. I also happen to be a hugger, so being hugged or having people in my personal space while doing karaoke isn't too big of a deal for me.

But I am the father of 3 daughters. One of which is of drinking age. I try to make sure my own behavior as a host is something that wouldn't make my daughters feel too awkward if they saw it. They all know what I do for a living and my two oldest are wordly enough to know what goes on at bars. But I try (though I don't always succeed) to act in a way that they wouldn't be embarrassed by me. I hope that translates to my audience and they act towards me in the same way.

But again, I am a man. A 6'3" 265lb man at that. I don't have the same concerns that women or even some men do.

But I will talk to my female hosts about this to get their perspective and suggestions.

BTW....Thank you for this thread!

_________________
-Chris

Believe it or not---a male singer once paused on stage to ask me about my mixer as he was in a band and was interested in it. The conversation was purely technical and the fellow was at least 20 years younger than me. His wife came up afterwards and whispered in my ear, "Make a move on him and I'll kill you."

The dynamic that may be a bit different for a female is not the "overly friendly invasion of personal space" but the ones who do it more as a control trip and get hostile when turned down. There have been so many instances in our lives when we said what we thought was a polite "no thank you" and had it escalate to something scary by someone who just wouldn't take no for an answer that sometimes just the hint of it is enough to put us on guard.

They got a product, that you can pick up on ebay....it's called liquid a$$.....one spray on each shoulder should repel even the horniest of toads........ps....I just looked at a picture of you(hope you don't mind, it's in your album)...you are most definitely cursed, when it comes to this type of mystical attraction.....

While the issue is universal, the response a male gives to females versus the other way around is not. I've had everything females have rubbed on me at some point. The suggestive comments are much easier for a guy to deflect in my opinion. Being a married man with a reputation of being a happily married man with a ring will defuse most females. They may still make comments but the touching usually stops. I can't see that the same situation reversed would gain the same response. Aggressive Males are going to be aggressive males. I've had to stand in between males and ladies that did not want the attention and it's almost impossible to get them to stop.

If I were a single female KJ I would get a wedding ring. It may not help a lot but it could help some. If you have a regular that could "act" as a hubby, you could deflect them much easier I would think. I had zero encounters when my wife attended the show. Having a male bar manager watch out for unwelcome behavior would be killer but you can't bank on them always paying attention. Situate your equipment so that a counter or table is between you and the patrons and stay there as much as possible if you have some aggressive guests.

I think the area you are working may also have an impact..

Here in Hollyweird, the entire town is "Touchy Feelie" and anyone that is
offended is not long for the job.. Man OR Beast..

Couple years ago, a "Groupie Pack" following Ron Perlman accosted me while I was
enjoying an evening out..

Grabbed my arm, pulled me up onto the dance floor, and proceeded to "Dirty Boogie" my a$$ off.

The old bump and grind as I recall..

I had a great time.. and no, she didn't want me, she was just "Showing Off" for her group..

Ah, the good old days..