Karaoke Forums

Excuse me for offtop, it too funny, haha!

Why it is good to be a man?

1. Your (@$%&#!) is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's (@$%&#!) if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.  
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.  
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.  
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

i think its the best joke!

Alright, here's for the women!    

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Taxis stop for us.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

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LIKE Lonman on Facebook - Lonman Productions Karaoke & my main site via my profile!

!!! Both are very funny!!

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>"If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. "

Heh, heh....you should have seen the gals in the judges office looking me over while I waited there to get married this last time....They were all maybe 35-45....They were all smiles, chatty and flirty until my 24 year old bride walked in....Then they became downright hostile and spiteful toward us both....I don't think they consider me an idiot....I think they suddenly felt old, that's all.

Oh, I like the fact I can do it standing up and never get my shoes wet.

Just to balance thing out

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female:    Any part under a car's bonnet.
male:      The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
female:    A woman who makes love to other women.
male:      A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female:    Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male:      Playing cricket without a box.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female:    A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male:      A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female:    The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male:      Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with your mates.

BUM (bum) n.
female:    The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male:      The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female:    A desire to get married and raise a family.
male:      Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female:    A good movie, concert, play or book, dinner with best mates.
male:      Sex, preferably with two lesbians.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female:    An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male:      An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female:    The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male:      What women do while the man is shagging.

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I can neither confirm nor deny ever having or knowing anything about nothing.... mrscott

 LMAO

Why do women have smaller feet than men.......so they can stand closer to the sink

Yeah...so we can wash our hair...

You know...like we told you we were busy doing when you called asking for a date...  :whistle:

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[glow=violet] **Sing like nobody's listening...live like there's no tomorrow**[/glow]

most of the time when men are playin' dumb... we ain't playin'!  :O

[highlight=white]CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE[/highlight]...


1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. A cucumber won't tell you size don't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room and ... you won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. Cucumbers won't ask about your last cucumber or speculate about your next one.
12. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
13. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
14. No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber.
15. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
16. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
17. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
18. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
19. Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
20. A cucumber will never give you a hickey.
21. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
22. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
23. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you're in the shower.
24. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
25. A cucumber will never leave you for another man, another woman or another cucumber.
26. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
27. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
28. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
29. You don't have to wait for halftime to talk to your cucumber.
30. CUCUMBERS GROW IN IT THEY'RE NOT FULL OF IT

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"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

OMG Morgan...I almost choked on my coffee  LMAO

I thought this was cute:

Fishing Moral

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

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[glow=violet] **Sing like nobody's listening...live like there's no tomorrow**[/glow]

PMSL!!!!!!!!
I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR

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"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

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[glow=violet] **Sing like nobody's listening...live like there's no tomorrow**[/glow]

Better your coffee than a cucumber.

There are Gag Reflex Practice's that can help

True...

and...

...when you ask us what we're thinking and we say nothing, it's the truth.

....all I know is I just discovered a simple solution to my problem.

I'll introduce my wife to a cucumber, and let it listen to her crap and pay her bills while I go fishing and azzin around with my buddies.

I must admit, I can not compete with a cucumber, though, I wish I could.......I am green with envy............jj......looks like a job for SUPER PICKLE......nanananananahhhhhhh

Friend.....Male friend.....Never allow a woman to threaten you with a cucumber or portable electrical device....You have one thing those devices don't offer.....You, and only you, can make them feel helpless and weak next to you....Only a Man can make a woman feel secure deep in the night.

They need that more than they need the convienence and disposability of any toy.

For even the worst fem cheat there is one man she absolutely must have to feel safe.

Don't bother to look for toys under the bed.....Just notice if she reaches for you in her sleep.

riiiiiiiiight, Keith...... cuz every woman needs a man to protect her.

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Somehow, I just can't see a woman reaching past me for her cucumber when she hears a strange noise in the middle of the night.

But it would be nice it they did that....I'd get more sleep.