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Termite walks into a bar and says, "is the bartender here?"

Get it? Termite? Bar Tender?

 LMAO

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"Be who you are and say what you feel... Because those that matter... Don't mind...And those that mind... Don't matter."

a worn rope walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey we dont serve ropes in here....are you a rope?" the rope looks at the bartender and says "no....im afraid not"....... ummmmmmmm....hmmmm....get it....a frayed knot.........hello...is this thing on?

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Gladly helping Kappy to become cyber immortal !!

ok that was lame....so these 2 horses are sitting in a bar (no this is not the "why the long face" joke) one horse says to the other, "i was running a race the other day and around the last corner my butt started hurting..." "wow" said the other horse "thats weird cause the same thing happened to me last week in my race". just then a greyhound dog jumped up and said "you know what, i heard what you horses were talking about and in my race last week the same thing happened to me"...one horse looks at the other and with amazement says "whoa...check that out..a talking dog !!!"

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Gladly helping Kappy to become cyber immortal !!

Seriously man.....try the veal.....

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Gladly helping Kappy to become cyber immortal !!

I'm a frayed knot.  LOL

Three mice were sitting in the bar drinking. They started bragging how tough they were
First one said I jump jump into a mouse trap get the cheese and do pushups with the bail.. Second said hell thats nothing I can eat poisin all day long and just pass it..  Third one says ah to hell with with you wimps I'm gonna go home and get the cat pregnant.

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Once, after carefully forming an a$$ gasket with several layers of toliet paper, I plopped my butt down on a seat in a rest area bathroom. On my view of the door was written "What the hell are you looking for, the only joke in here is between your legs"......I wondered.........how did they know?.......

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella  felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

HEEE---HAW   ranger

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison."

Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.  

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.  

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,

"Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.


Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work, supervising in Ottawa.
                                                                                                         :laughatthat:

Last life boat on titanic and there are a lawyer, catholic priest, some children and a nun.

"Think of the children", says the nun

"Every man for himself", says the lawyer.  "Bugger the kids"

and the priest says....

"Do you think there's time?"

A man entered the bus with both of
his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a
beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him
and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances
from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very
long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After
several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she
asked, 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

Bubba and Ray were given the task of tightening the wires on a clothes line. Two hours later they had moved both post 2 times and they still were not tight.

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[font=verdana]Paddy goes to see his doctor because he hasn’t been feeling well and can’t keep anything down. The doctor gives him suppositories and tells him to come back in a week if he isn’t feeling better.  A week passes and Paddy still isn’t feeling very good, so he goes back to the doctor. The doctor says, “Didn’t that medicine I gave you do any good.” Paddy replies, “For all the good it did me, I just as well shoved them up me arse” [/font] :

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Dusty Rose
Blue Rose Classic Karaoke
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[font=verdana]An officer pulls over a redhead for speeding. He walks up to her car,but before he can ask for her license and registration she says, “I’ll bet you want to sell me tickets to the Policeman’s Ball”  The officer replies, “Policeman don’t have balls” Upon realizing what he has just said, he waves her on and goes back to his patrol car.[/font]  :hi5:  :oh yeah:

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Dusty Rose
Blue Rose Classic Karaoke
More Sound! More Selections! More Fun!
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[font=verdana]Patrick and Kevin, sons  of an Irish sea captain are determined to honor their father’s last wish to be buried at sea. They load his body in the row boat and row out a ways. Patrick jumps out of the boat, but the water is only up to his knees, so he gets back in and they row out farther.  He gets out of the boat a second time, and the water is up to his chest. “Not deep enough”, he says to his brother Kevin. “We’ll have to row much farther.” So they row and they row until they are so tired they can’t row any more. Again Patrick jumps out of the boat, he sinks to the bottom, swims back to the top and says to his brother “This should do, hand me the shovel”.[/font]

[font=verdana]Okay, I’m done------for now. [/font]

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Dusty Rose
Blue Rose Classic Karaoke
More Sound! More Selections! More Fun!
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Bubba says, Bobby Ray, I think my wife died..

Bobby Ray says, Why, what makes you say that?

Bubba says, well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are backin' up..